Clash Of The Fucking Titans Review (expect swearing)

What the fuck is up with Liam Neeson's armour in Clash Of The Titans?!?

It's glittery and shiny!! GLITTERY AND SHINY!!! He's fucking Zeus, the king of the fucking Gods, not the Tin Man's retarded cousin. He's wearing the campest, most ridiculous looking costume I've seen in a film since John Boorman had the bright idea to dress Sean Connery in a ponytail, thigh high boots and a red nappy in Zardoz.

http://waxturds.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2009/02/zardoz.jpg

I say it again.

What the fuck is up with Liam Neeson's armour?!

It's like the director and costume designer are taking the absolute piss out of him. "You won't believe what Neeson's wearing. Ssshhh here he comes!!" CLANK CLANK CLANK as Neeson lumbers onto set, "Ah, I don't mean to complain but am I seriously going to wear this?" The sheer stupidity of his look renders each moment where he's meant to be thundering away as Zeus unintentionally hilarious. He even has shiny metal gloves! I can't get over it.

I have no intention of wasting my time or yours talking about the film in any serious, meaningful way. It's thuddingly dull, cumbersome, crap, fucking annoying and Sam Worthington proves yet again that he is a blank void that no script or director has yet been able to fill with anything useful. Instead I want to talk about Liam Neeson's costume and Ralph Feinnes' hilariously distracting turn as Hades. Oh it's a VERY long time since Schindler's List, isn't it boys? Feinnes sounds like a cross between Lawrence Olivier and James Mason and, for such a good actor, turns in a performance so staggeringly bad it ends up being absolutely priceless. Is everyone on drugs? What the fuck is up with this film?

I'd love to tell you that the whole film is so bad it's good but without Neeson in the gay Mount Olympus scenes (that include respected actor Danny Huston turning up for 2 shots and one line of dialogue. Cutting room floor perhaps?) and Feinnes swooping around talking about "the kraaaaaken" it would be utterly unbearable. As it is it's crushingly, soul destroyingly dull and all the bits you remember being good from the original, Medusa, Pegasus, the Kraken, crossing the river Styx, are turned to stone thanks to a by-the-numbers script, dreadful acting and terrible directing. Much of the CGI is so bad as to appear unfinished with Medusa in particular looking like she was created by a 12 year old on his Amstrad.

But in the end I left the cinema saying only one thing. What the fuck was up with Neeson's costume?!?

1.5/10 raised to 3/10 thanks to the Neeson/Feinnes double whammy of misjudged lunacy.