The Expendables Review

I can’t believe I enjoyed The Expendables! It’s 2012 all over again where I know the film is bad but I’m enjoying it nonetheless.

In fairness, I wasn’t going with it for the first 20/25 minutes. The opening action sequence, taking down a ship full of Somalian pirates, was somewhat underwhelming, the following scenes of “character development” interminable. But writer/director/actor Sly Stallone knows he can’t get such presumably giant egos together in one movie without giving everyone their moment to shine and the scene that turned things around for me comes when Jason Statham (playing Lee Christmas. Honestly…) confronts his ex girlfriend’s new guy on a basketball court after he discovers the new guy has been beating her. It’s meant to reveal character, but as written by Sly and delivered by the Stath, it’s unintentionally hilarious and the fight is quite cool. I was now onside with the film and remained so right up until the last half hour of brilliantly over the top carnage that takes the last 20 minutes of Rambo and makes it look tame by comparison.

The story, such as it is, sees a team of mercenaries, the eponymous Expendables, try and take down evil CIA agent turned drug baron Eric Roberts and his puppet General played by David Zayas, Dexter’s Detective Angel Bathista. And that’s pretty much it. In truth, the film has been hyped as the greatest collection of action stars ever assembled in the greatest action movie ever made and on that level it’s disappointing. Anyone who has read the press conference will have noticed Sly’s somewhat barbed remark that Segal and Van Damme turned him down because they saw their careers going in “a different direction.” But (and I REALLY never thought I’d ever type the following sentence…) in a film billed as the greatest cast of action stars ever, their presence is missed. And the much trumpeted coming together of Stallone, Bruce Willis and the Guvernator is a blink and you’ll miss it 1 minute scene of cameos that, in truth, is kind of laboured. I don’t follow American wrestling so, despite having heard of Randy Couture and “Stone Cold” Steve Austin, really, their presence didn’t resonate with me particularly. Also, you know, they’re wrestlers. But what you DO get is a ludicrous, over-the-top, old fashioned, men-on-a-mission action movie. You never have any sense of danger for the team, despite their being called the Expendables, and even when 64 year old Sly is getting pummelled by a 30-something, brick shithouse professional wrestler, you still don’t feel any danger for him, even if the fight itself is a lot of fun. As I said, everyone is given their moment. Jet Li and Dolph Lungdren square off and, honestly, have you ever seen THAT before? Statham gets several moments of glory and, as he’s demonstrated before, is physically very adept. When Jason Statham is your most credible actor, that should send alarm bells ringing but somehow the whole debacle emerges unscathed from the onslaught of appalling dialogue, ropey acting and posturing by the leads. A fitting metaphor for the whole last half hour of the film in fact. Don’t get me wrong, this isn’t a good film in any traditional sense but as guilty pleasure movies go, it ends up being a lot of fun.

6.5/10